This guy confessed that he had a rule in the bedroom: “The girl has to come first.” While I was at first charmed by his need to please a woman and put her needs before his own, I was also nervous at the thought of being the girl under that rule! The whole “who comes first” situation is a tricky one.
Take scenario A for example: You're nearing the peak and hoping your lady is at the same point. Pressure her to get there with you, and you run the risk of taking the pleasure out of it for her. Here’s a secret: That pressure to cum on cue is a big reason why women fake it.
Or scenario B: What guy wants to burst his joy too soon? This has been thought to be one of the worst things that can happen to a man in the moment.
After all, don’t women want to be pleased every time? Haven’t you been guided through many articles about the importance of pleasing her to first?
I’m guessing that for some guys, this leads to relentless worry of climaxing too soon—ahead of your lady, with images of her turning her head unsatisfied after you’ve finished.
While I can’t put myself in your shoes in that situation, I can tell you how I see it. And it might surprise you—or at least give you some relief. (Ahem.)
1. As expected—and cheesy as it may sound—we women like the experience of sex. We like the intimacy. We love to feel your body against ours. We love to feel like you want to explore and enjoy every inch of us. We love to feel completely desired. I am telling you that this alone fulfills a need for us that may be difficult to express. (#) We want to know that you want to take the time to make out with us and to partake in foreplay. Foreplay doesn’t have to equal an orgasm though!
2. If you pressure me, I will probably just fake it because I don’t want to deflate your ego. Honestly. Sometimes we just can’t get there, ya know? Just the same as you, right? (##) Hey, it depends on the day, what happened at work, where I am hormonally, and how sexy I am feeling. Adding the pressure—the pre-determined rule that she must come first—completely breaks the mood and, most times, any chance of me having the mind blowing orgasm you had hoped for.
3. Take it as it happens. So what if you blow your love joy super quick—find a way to redeem yourself. You shouldn’t be approaching sex with the anticipated notion that both parties are going to orgasm. Yes, in a perfect world, that would happen. But frankly, it just doesn’t. You know in the movies when the couple climax at the same time in unison and complete satisfaction? That’s bullshit. I mean this genuinely: Just enjoy the moments. Make her feel wanted, and give her the intimacy she craves. There can be genuine satisfaction in knowing that you have lost control over her. (###)
4. If you want a girl to climax, make it about her. We like to feel special, so surprise us after work with a massive makeout session and some serious oral action. Don’t make it clearly about wanting to please her—just please her and keep your boy out of it. When it comes to sex, saying things doesn’t always help—doing things does. So when you say, “I am going to make you orgasm,” you’re not helping yourself—or us. Although we appreciate your tenacity and determination, you should probably just make us climax—and not give us the play-by-play. (####)
5. Give her what she needs. I am not an extreme cuddler, but I can appreciate the brief, genuine cuddle session after loads have been blown (or not blown). Don't jump out of bed to air your unit in front of the air conditioner, (#####) and run off to play video games. Clean up and settle in for a second. That is what she needs. She needs you to give her that little bit of time without your joystick jabbing her in the crotch, even if just for a very brief moment. Hey! This could also be the perfect time to talk to her and get to know what makes her tick! Communication is hot. Your end game is to make her feel amazing, right?(######)
From the Peanut Gallery
#—OK, that’s great to hear. But to be clear, misguided or not, plenty of us guys are just overcorrecting for all the cavemen out there who take the “slam, bam, thank you ma’am” approach that so many women complain about! (And believe us, lots of women complain!)
####—In other words: “Shut up and get to work, boy!”
#####—Good lord, Kate, what kind of freaks have you been dating?
######—That makes at least two really good points in one blog post, Kate! A record!